thatdiabolicalfeminist:
if you have kids, you should make a point to keep up with how they’re doing in school, who their friends are, what they like to eat, what they can’t eat, their medications and why/when/how they take them, their daily routines, what their chores are and if they need any help with them, the interests that are important to them, the things they struggle with, etc., etc.
you should have a rough idea of when your kid will need new glasses,
when their last dental appointment was, how long they’ve been
complaining about certain symptoms, what their usual mood is like at different times of the day so you NOTICE when something is wrong.
you should know how to listen to them and encourage them and you need to learn how to teach skills and good habits and motivate without instilling fear. you should know what makes them feel better when they’re sick and how to comfort them when they’re afraid or angry or sad.
if you’re the parent of an infant, you should make a point to learn how to tell what your baby needs. if they use formula, you should know what kind. you should know their nappy/diaper size and what products (powder/ointment/etc.) keep their bottom happy.
you should also be keeping track of when things your kid needs are running low, and making sure they are gotten in a timely manner.
if your children are members of oppressed groups you’re not part of – if you have a daughter, or a trans child and you’re cis, or an autistic child and you’re allistic, or a racialized child and you’re white, etc. – you need to take the time to research, to read what adults who share that trait say your kid needs. you need to actively support your child and help shield them from the hatred and enforced roles they will receive elsewhere.
these are the kinds of things a good parent does. you should not get a pass on being a good parent just because you’re a dude and you “don’t understand/aren’t good at that stuff”. this excuse is incredibly common and it is unacceptable.
women read parenting books, go on forums, talk to doctors, join parenting groups, ask other parents questions, and spend time with their children. we are not born with childcare knowledge any more than you are; it is work to learn these things. sometimes you will mess up. that is part of the learning process; it does not mean you “just don’t get that kind of thing” and should never have to do it again.
not only is it unfair to expect the women in your life to shoulder this work alone, but it is unfair to your children to be in their lives AS a parent but not do parenting work. Your kids need you. They need you to step up and LEARN to do the work that you haven’t been expected to do before.
Do you know how many people grow up and just… don’t have relationships with their fathers? maybe you don’t, either. it’s not always because these fathers were violent or mean or hateful. Sometimes it’s because they just never bothered to be parents or build a good relationship with their child. Don’t let your kids go through that. Don’t make them grow up with a mostly uninvolved stranger for a father.
And if you are not willing to do all this work, maybe you should plan to not have children, and take steps to make sure that you don’t. It isn’t acceptable to make a choice to bring a new human being into the world and take on a parenting role, then be around them only as a stranger.
There are different standards for motherhood and fatherhood, and that hurts children. What we think of as “motherhood” is mostly just good parenting for any gender, with extra dashes of self sacrifice because we expect women to be sole providers of certain kinds of work and care.
If you want to figure out if you’re being a good parent, put yourself in your child’s shoes and imagine you are their mother, not their father. Would you be happy with a mom who was only willing to put in the amount of work you do?
Some people in the notes are concerned that I’m painting with too broad a brush by addressing this to “men” and not to, say, “deadbeat dads”.
Here’s the thing, though: the societal standards for fatherhood are such that you can avoid doing literally all of the very basic work listed above and still be considered a pretty decent dad.
If you live with your kids or arrange regular visitation and are in the same room with them from time to time and talk to them casually without ever being abusive, most people will figure you’re doing a decent job. To be a deadbeat most people figure you have to completely abandon them or not pay part of their bills. Hell, you can even be abusive and people will say “Well at least he’s not a deadbeat! He does pay child support.”
I’m not saying you guys are ALL doing the bare minimum, but we do have this pervasive fiction that fathers are supposed to do different things than mothers, that there are two separate roles and one of them involves keeping up with day-to-day details and helping the kid with their emotional growth and basic needs, while the other involves making money, being kinda distant and occasionally “babysitting” or Teaching You Things About Cars/Camping/Other Man Stuff.
And it’s not fair. It’s not fair to anyone involved – the mothers who do extra work, the kids who don’t get to really know their dads, or the fathers who miss out on the full joys and complexities of parenthood.
This post isn’t MEANT for “deadbeat dads”. This post is meant for dads who genuinely want to be good parents but live in a society that tells them being a good parent is different for men. This post is a gentle encouragement to see your role in your children’s lives as bigger and more important, every bit as significant as a mother’s role and requiring every bit as much work.
You can get defensive, or you can look around and see if there are things you’ve been leaving for others to do because no one has ever expected that you would be interested in that part of your child’s life.
It’s very, very likely that the women in your life have been quietly doing things you didn’t even know needed to be done for your kids, because they, too, have just assumed that a man wouldn’t want to do that part of parenting. It takes proactive work to take back the parts of parenthood that society has not assigned to you – but it’s rewarding work and it will make your relationship with your kids so much stronger and more meaningful.
If your kid has another parent, or multiple other parents, you gotta be a teammate who communicates, who does the research and asks questions and keeps up with what’s happened when you’re not around, who updates the other(s) on what happened when they weren’t around, who talks through decisions with the other parent(s).
Being an involved parent means being part of a team, with the kid’s other parent(s), with their teachers, with their doctors, with therapists if they have them, with their babysitters or nannies or anyone they spend time with. The other adults in your child’s life have information YOU need to know if you want to take good care of your kid.
That’s the best way to make sure your kid has a great experience of growing up, to make sure their needs are met and they’re learning what they need to. Wanna be a good parent? Collaborate.
The other people who take care of your kid need to be part of your parenting. Especially if you haven’t been as involved before. Catch up with what they’ve been doing and do your homework so you have actual knowledge to contribute. If you aren’t already, learn to collaborate with those individuals in a healthy way.
Your kid needs you. Showing up for them means working with the other adults in their life.
